Essential
by freakyhazeleyes
Summary: What if Bella hadn't been so forgiving of Edward when he came back in New Moon? Not a Jacob/Bella fic! I'm just trying something different. Don't expect the characters to be IC.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: **What if Bella hadn't been so forgiving when Edward came back in New Moon? **Not** a Jacob/Bella fic. I wanted to explore what may have happened if Edward had shown up at her window and begged her to take him back.

**Author's Note: **I'm having some writer's block with Glimpses and this is what I got. I'm trying to work on writing from a person's point of view, since third person seems to be my forte. Also, since I always write the Cullen's as humans, I wanted to try writing them as vampires still.

This is an idea I've always wanted to write down, so please don't be too harsh if it's terrible.

I don't really expect this to be a long story, maybe only three or four chapters. I don't want to draw it out too long.

And now for something completely different…

**Essential**

I sat next to him on the steps leading to his porch. I could feel the waves of emotion rolling off his overheated skin and we remained silent, just staring out ahead as I let him process what I had just told him.

He was feeling almost everything I was.

Shock.

Anger.

Resentment.

Fear.

And then there was one last emotion that was only present in me. One that I tried to hold back with all my might. This emotion, if unleashed, would surely kill me and the wonderful boy sitting next to me.

Love.

I was still in love with him. The person who had single handedly destroyed me. The person who had left me. The person who had shown up outside my window, unannounced, claiming that everything he had said that day in the forest was a complete and utter lie. He begged me. To take him back, to let him inside my room, to love him again.

And that was the problem.

I did love him. I wanted to let him inside.

But how could I? How could I open myself up to more hurt, more pain, if he decided to leave me again?

I was brought out of my thoughts when I heard Jake inhale deeply next to me.

"So he's back?" He sounded strained, like he wanted to hit something.

I felt the same.

"Yep." My voice was subdued with my turmoil.

I felt Jake shift as he turned to face me but I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

"Are you…" He cut himself off with his own frustrated sigh of annoyance. "Are you going back?" _To him_ was the part left unsaid in that sentence.

I sighed and looked down at my legs.

"I told him not right now. Maybe not ever. I have to think, it all just happened so fast. I was in my room getting ready to sleep, and then he was just there." I felt the tears threatening to fall and my eyes closed as the entire conversation came rushing back.

The tapping on my window.

The shock from seeing his pale, perfect face, glowing in the moonlight outside, his eyes bright with emotions I hadn't seen since before my…since before Jasper…since before _then_.

The wonderful and horrible words he said.

The words I said to him that seemed to both crush and harden him at the same time. With determination so fierce I had to catch my breath.

And his parting words.

"_I will get your trust back. I will get you back. I love you."_

And there was my other problem.

I do trust him.

He does have me.

I do love him.

And then he had gone, like a blur in the pale shadows of my yard.

And my heart had yelled at the rest of my body to stop him. To yell for him to come back.

But I couldn't. Because it hurt too much.

"Are the rest of…_them_ coming back too?" Jake sounded even angrier over the prospect of the entire Cullen family returning to Forks. I knew he was holding back saying derogatory things about them and for that I was grateful to some extent.

I sighed forlornly again.

"Probably. Alice would insist on it and Jasper would follow her anywhere. Carlisle and Esme would accompany them wanting to watch out for them and Emmett would drag Rosalie back, not wanting to miss any of the fun." I sounded sarcastic but couldn't bring myself to care.

I heard Jake growl lowly in the back of his throat and when the wind picked up, his long hair brushed against mine.

Again, I couldn't bring myself to care.

"Are you going to tell the pack?" I didn't really know what I would do with his answer.

"I can't really keep any secrets from them can I?" He asked sardonically.

I looked back down at my lap and sighed once more. I reached for his hand and found his long warm fingers and linked mine with his.

"I guess not." I spoke quietly as my mind filled with the image of the dark and haunted eyes of Edward Cullen.

I tried not to feel guilt over holding hands with a boy while my mind was occupied with thoughts of another.

o-0-o

_Beep, beep, beep._

I just lay there in bed, wide awake. I had been wide awake all night, terrified with what I knew was coming with the morning.

_Beep, beep, beep._

My eyes blinked, unseeingly. Nothing registered as I lay there, cocooned in my blankets, only vaguely aware of the light filtering into the room.

_Beep, beep, beep._

I reached over and slammed my alarm off, remaining in bed.

Just staring.

At the walls.

At the window.

At nothing.

Then I threw the covers off and stood on shaky legs.

Why are my legs shaky?

I dressed robotically in a pair of old jeans, a cotton shirt and an over sized sweatshirt. Going into the bathroom, I stared listlessly at my pale complexion and wide eyes. I felt an unwelcome thrill in the pit of my stomach.

I was nervous. And excited. Nervous excited. Because he was back.

I didn't want to be nervous excited over him.

I frowned at myself in the mirror and stubbornly threw my dark curly hair into a messy ponytail and grabbed my backpack and headed down stairs.

Stepping onto the porch, I sighed in relief when I saw no silver Volvo waiting outside. I locked the door behind me and walked slowly to my truck.

My eyes were everywhere on the drive to school.

I checked the rear view mirror every two seconds and then I was watching the road in front of me, my head swinging from side to side whenever a car passed me or when I reached an intersection.

When I entered the parking lot at school, my breath caught and my stomach dropped.

The shiny silver Volvo stood out among the rest of the cars just like it had months ago.

My eyes stayed trained to it as I passed it in the lot, going to a space far away from it.

Turning my key in the ignition, I sat in my car, listening to the sounds of the other kids outside and the pounding of my heart.

Nervous excited. From just the sight of the goddamn Volvo.

My eyes closed and a sigh came from my lips.

It was going to be a very long day.

o-0-o

I was even more hyper aware of my surroundings and the people I passed as I made my way to my locker.

I made quick work of the combination and grabbing what I needed; probably slamming it closed a little too hard.

When I turned around to face the hallway, I met the gossip ridden faces of the Forks High population. I just stood there staring at them, daring them to say one word.

And then they all scurried on their way, heads bent together, whispering with each other.

The whispers followed me all the way to my first class and I stood outside the door, already knowing who was inside.

He would have retained the schedule of classes from the beginning of the year.

The schedule identical to mine.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm my pounding heart, but then realized it was a waste. He could hear me from miles away, twenty feet or less meant nothing.

I walked into the room and it seemed like all the excited talking stopped.

Time seemed to slow down as my eyes involuntarily went to the back of the room, where I always sat.

The seat next to me had never been filled since he'd left.

And now it was.

He was right there.

Looking all real and perfect and wonderful.

And I couldn't breathe.

And he was looking at me. Looking at me with such intensity, such longing, such sorrow that I literally ached to make it all go away. I felt physical pain from just looking into those sad topaz depths.

My seat was empty next to him.

But I couldn't bring my feet to move further down the aisle of desks.

And I couldn't _breathe_.

I slid my body into a seat in the second row and faced the front of the room, closing my eyes as the rush of whispers flooded the room.

I could feel his eyes on the back of my head and I cursed the thrill that shot up my spine.

I felt someone standing next to me and looking up I saw it was Eric.

My cheeks blushed, realizing I was sitting in his seat. His eyes flashed to Edward and then back to me, while I pleaded silently with him.

He pursed his lips into a resigned smile, patted my back, and then slowly, very slowly, made his way to the back of the room.

And so it went for the rest of the morning. I pilfered the seat of someone else so I wouldn't have to be near him, hearing him breathe, watching him move, smelling him all around me.

Then came lunch.

I was able to dodge Edward leaving our fourth period class, hurrying down the hall to my locker.

Tossing the stuff for my morning classes in and shutting it again, I was pleased to find that he didn't follow me.

I walked slowly to the lunch room and going inside, I immediately went to the line, grabbing a tray and filling it with food and grabbing a bottle of lemonade, trying not to blush at the topic of discussion at every table.

I wasn't paying too much attention to what was going on in front of me, just trying not to become overwhelmed by the feel of two pairs of topaz eyes on my back.

I was so concentrated on not showing any outward emotion that I didn't realize the lunch lady wasn't taking my money.

"It's been taken care of dear."

My eyes snapped to her wrinkled, smiling face and I had no idea what was going on.

"Huh?" I felt my cheeks heat up with the level of my incoherence.

"I said it's been taken care of."

I still wasn't getting it.

"What has?" I was still holding out my money and holding up the line behind me.

"Your lunch. It's been paid for." She was no longer smiling at me and shifting back and forth on her feet.

I retracted my hand slightly and continued to stare at her.

"By who?" But I already knew.

Her eyes shifted around the room before landing on a spot just over my shoulder and she nodded her head in that direction.

I didn't have to turn to know who it was but in doing so I saw Edward's hopeful and pained gaze and Alice, who looked so incredibly happy to be there. She was smiling widely at me and even had the nerve to wave.

I couldn't help but give a tiny wave back; it was no more than just a lift of my arm.

I turned back to the lunch lady. "Give them back their money."

Her eyes widened and she started shifting back and forth on her feet faster, unsure of what to do.

"I can't do that…" She trailed off uncertain.

I sighed and bit my lip. Did they honestly think they could buy me? With this?

"Fine. Here." And then I dropped the tray in her hands and walked to the doors, not looking back at the two vampires I could feel watching my every move.

**Author's Note: **Don't worry. Edward and Bella will be together again, she's just stubborn right now. Like I said, I've never tried an in character story before so don't expect this to be like how they are in the books.

I've always wanted to write what it would be like if Bella hadn't been so forgiving at the end of New Moon, so I hope this was alright.

I might be updating this sooner than the rest of my stuff because I know how it ends.

Like? No like? Intrigued? Let me know. Please leave a review.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **Thanks to everyone who reviewed the first chapter. I'm glad you guys like it so far.

**Essential**

I skipped the rest of the day. I had gym after lunch and there was no way I could hide from him then.

So, like a coward, I hid in my room.

I tried to take a nap but I just ended up tossing and turning.

I went down to the kitchen and started looking through the fridge, trying to decide what Charlie would like for dinner when I heard a knock on the front door.

Standing up straight and turning towards the front door, I debated with myself.

I knew it was him. Or them.

I swallowed deeply and made my way slowly to the door.

Opening it a tiny crack, I was relieved and sort of sad to only see Jake on the other side.

He was looking down at a book and some papers he held in his hands before meeting my eyes.

"These were just by the door." He said with a frown and handed them to me.

I opened the door further for him to enter and looking down at the book and papers, I realized it was the homework for my last class of the day. I sighed and bit my lip, realizing that the textbook in my hand had been locked away in my locker.

I tucked them under my arm and before closing the door, I looked out into the deep green trees that obstructed my view of the rest of the forest in front of my house.

"Thank you." I said in a normal talking voice, knowing Edward would hear me.

o-0-o

Jake stayed for dinner and then watched some sports program on the TV with Charlie. I could tell Charlie wasn't in the best of moods and I definitely knew why.

But Jacob's presence seemed to calm him and make him happy.

He kept shooting me suggestive glances over dinner and I would just shake my head slightly, sending him warning looks right back.

He didn't understand my relationship with Jake. I knew he was hoping Jake and I would be more. I'm pretty sure Jake thought the same thing. But we're just friends.

While they watched I did my homework in the kitchen and was at their beck and call if they needed anything. I didn't mind.

I said goodnight to Jake and he gave me a squeezing hug that I could only return half heartedly.

I met Charlie back in the kitchen and we stood on opposite sides of the table looking at each other.

My arms crossed over my chest while his hands gripped the back of the chair in front of him.

"You have no idea how hard it was today. I just wanted to drive down to that school and strangle that kid."

I tried not to think that was funny. But just the mental image of Charlie trying to _strangle _Edward…

"Dad…" I sighed and shook my head, looking down at the ground.

"Has he approached you at school?"

"No." Not at school.

"Good." Charlie sighed, relief evident on his face. "If he does, you have your pepper spray. And I want you to come straight home after school or go to Jacob's house where you'll be safe."

Safe.

Taken care of.

Comfortable.

Stuck.

Suffocated.

I just nodded my head. At this point it was just easier to agree with him.

o-0-o

For the rest of the week, Alice and Edward kept their distance. Which was both pleasing and worrying.

I welcomed it and I cursed it.

I wanted him to stay away, but then I would traitorously miss him again. I kept up the routine of stealing seats further in front of our classes and he stayed in the back.

He must have recognized my need for space, but since when has that stopped him?

And then I found that it wasn't.

He was coming to the house at night.

He wouldn't come in my room, I kept the window firmly shut and locked now.

He was watching my window outside. Every night.

When walking across my room, I saw out of the corner of my eye a shock of gleaming hair in the moonlight and a pale face peeking out of the shadows and brush next to the house.

He didn't move out of my sight when I caught him, just leaning casually against the tree across the way.

I shook my head at him and then turned my light off and went to sleep.

The weekend was peaceful.

Well, about as peaceful as it can be with a vampire stalking you on the down low, and an overprotective father and werewolf watching your every move.

Monday morning came. And roses came with it.

One was sitting on the porch when I came out that morning to go to school.

One was waiting inside my locker.

One was on every desk I sat in when I walked in the classrooms.

I had started to bring my lunch from home and had begun to eat in the library and sure enough, a rose was sitting on my usual table.

The same pattern followed in the classes after lunch, one rose in my gym locker and on the desk in the class afterwards.

And another waiting in the handle of my truck after school.

I just stood there looking from the handful of flowers in my hand to the one in the handle of my truck and I groaned.

I felt someone next to me and turning I was greeted with the small pixie like form of Alice.

"Hi Bella." She said quietly.

"Hey."

We were quiet after that, just standing by my truck.

"He's trying to give you space…but you know how he is…" She trailed off looking at the flowers in my hand.

"Yeah."

"He misses you."

Pang. I miss him too. "Yeah."

"I told him it was completely selfish, him leaving."

Slash. I didn't want the reminders of him leaving. "Yeah."

"You know he loves you…and that's the only reason he did it…right?"

Stab. That's what he told me. But he's told me a lot of things.

"Alice…" I turned to face her and I saw her features twist as she saw the look on my face. "I can't do this right now…I just…"

"It's okay. I know."

Of course you do.

I nodded my head at her and grabbed the flower still perched in the handle and then got in my truck and drove away from the school.

o-0-o

I drove to Jake's house after the conversation with Alice.

I felt like an awful person because I knew I was using Jake to help me forget about everything for awhile, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to feel…_something_ other than just confusion.

I walked into the garage and he was there working on an engine.

"Hey Jake." I tried to sound happy and energetic, but I failed miserably.

"Hey Bells." He gave me a big smile and all the while I was thinking of how much that nickname reminds me of Charlie.

We talked about school and possibly going down to the beach that weekend to try the cliff diving I'd seen some of his friends do.

And it was normal.

Natural.

The way things should be between two people in a comfortable, easy relationship.

He graciously stayed away from talking about the Cullen's even though I knew what he and his pack were up to.

Because the news of the Cullen's return had spread like wildfire, Sam and some representatives of the pack met with Carlisle to _remind _them of the Treaty.

Just another item added to the growing list of things stretching me to my limits.

All throughout the conversation though, Jake would edge closer to me and occasionally reach out and touch me, on the arm, the cheek, the leg.

Just like Edward used to.

And I felt like such a jackass wishing it was an icy touch on my cheek rather than a hot one.

o-0-o

The drive home was uneventful.

When I actually got home however…whole different story.

The Volvo was parked on the street and Edward was pacing the porch, arms crossed deliciously over his chest, hair in disarray, a wild and furious look on his beautiful face as he watched me pull up and turn the truck off.

Oh.

He must know about Jake.

I got out of the truck and put my backpack on and grabbed the roses from the passenger seat then walked up to the house.

I could hear him breathing heavily as I approached.

When I stepped onto the porch we just stared at each other. I drank him in as he did the same and I watched as he stopped breathing and his eyes got a shade darker.

His jaw was still clenched tightly and my palm itched to cup his face and soften his expression, like I used to.

But I remained still.

"Hey." I said quietly.

"Hi." He said in a harsher tone.

He was no longer the boy leaving me roses on my desk. He was the overprotective, overemotional vampire ex-boyfriend. I cringed, thinking of Edward as my ex. It had been months and months, but it still hurt.

"What are you doing here?" At my house, back in Forks, pick one.

"Alice saw your future disappear." He said tightly, his jaw clenching and unclenching.

"I don't understand." I brought a hand up to my temple.

"You were with a werewolf." He stated simply.

"I was with Jake. The two are separate."

He growled deep in his chest. "They are one and the same Bella and equally dangerous."

I sighed and my eyes closed.

I felt and ice cold finger underneath my chin and my body rejoiced at the touch. The smallest, most insignificant touch from him and I wanted to leap into his arms and forgive and forget.

"Please open your eyes." He whispered. "I miss them."

I grudgingly complied with his request.

My heart started thudding out an uneven rhythm and I swore the corners of his lips twitched in response before falling again.

"I rarely see them in school with you sitting so far away." He continued to speak in that soft voice that he knew made me weak.

He sighed deeply and suddenly and my head lifted out of his grasp to look more clearly into his eyes.

He was smiling triumphantly.

"There it is." He said softly, stroking a finger down my ridiculously warm cheek.

I moved my head away from his hand. Of course he was referring to my blush.

"What are you doing here?" I asked again, a little breathlessly.

"When you're with a werewolf, Alice can't see your future."

"I thought that's what you wanted. For none of you to ever bother me again."

I knew it was childish, throwing his words back at him, but it got him to take a step back and I was both happy and sad that he did.

"Why can't you forgive me Bella?" He whispered sadly, reaching a hand out to cup my face again.

I dodged it, moving closer towards the front door.

"Don't belittle the situation Edward. It's not as cut and dry as you seem to expect."

He turned to face me and his features were desperate.

"I am sorry. I can never say it enough Bella. I am so sorry." He took a step towards me and tried to cup my face, but I turned away.

"I know you are. But Edward," My head tilted back as my eyes filled with water as I tried to form my words, "when you left…you took _everything._ I was here physically, but the rest of me…I don't know."

He tried reaching for me again and I was struck by how our situations were reversed. Months ago, it was me who was reaching for him, begging him to stay with me, pleading with him not to leave me.

And now it was all reversed. All backwards.

And while part of me ached to make all of this go away for the both of us, the other part, the more cynical and realistic part that grew over the time he was away, wanted him to know what it felt like.

And again, I felt like a jackass as I stepped away from his arms once again.

I opened my front door and stepped inside. Looking back out at him standing there on my porch, he seemed so lost.

"Charlie's going to be home soon…" I trailed off and I saw him nod as his eyes looked like he was fighting for control over the rest of his body.

Before he turned away and before I closed the door, I called his name. "Edward?"

He turned back to me and I felt a stabbing pain in my heart at the deep remorse I saw on his face.

I took a deep breath and leaned my forehead against the door jam.

I met his eyes.

"I'll see you at school." I whispered it softly and before I closed the door I saw hope resurface in the dark depths of his eyes and I didn't even bother trying to stamp down the butterflies in my stomach.

**Author's Note: **Like I said, not too drawn out. Bella's walls are slowly being brought down.

I love hearing from you guys so please leave me a review!


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: **You guys have no idea how nervous I was to post this story, so all of the kind words are very much appreciated.

And I honestly had no idea I could write an in character story, so thank you. Although, this chapter may have ruined it.

**Essential**

The roses stopped.

Instead though he left me excerpts from _Romeo and Juliet _taped to my locker every morning. The black ink stood out against the pure white paper, and while they made my face flush, my hands shake a little and a smile grace my lips, I couldn't help but feel a slight disappointment.

The words he chose from the play were beautiful though.

_"One fairer than my love? The all-seeing sun  
Ne'er saw her match since first the world begun."_

Every morning a new note. And every morning a slight twinge of disappointment.

Beautiful words.

Strong words.

_Borrowed _words.

They didn't come from him. They didn't answer my questions; they didn't tell me how he felt.

I wanted to know _his _feelings, not Romeo's.

Nevertheless, I kept every single one. Even though I know that play backwards and forwards the words in Edward's flowing script was a sight to behold.

Before I would start on my homework in the evenings, I would pull a couple of them out and trace my finger over the loops and curves, imagining him sitting on the couch in his room, torso bent over the paper, his forehead creased in concentration, trying to find the correct passage for that day.

And then I would feel silly and berate myself.

Like he would ever spend more than a minute writing each of these just for me.

o-0-o

Angela had talked me into eating in the cafeteria again and even though I always brought my lunch now, the lunch lady wouldn't look me in the eye.

Great.

I spent my afternoons burying myself in homework or over at Jake's house, watching him fix an engine or sitting on my motorcycle and we just talked.

But it was strained. Every time I entered the garage coming from school, he would wrinkle his nose at me, and then turn accusing eyes on my face, like he was searching for some sort of infidelity written there. Like I was a cheating lover.

It was making me angry.

He had no right to look at me like that. I wasn't his. I never would be his.

But I didn't call him on it.

He was the one constant in my life right now. I needed that safety.

Jacob and Edward were like night and day though.

Edward knew I was hanging around Jake after school, but when our eyes met in the hallways, or across the classroom before I took my seat, or in the parking lot when I passed him leaning against his Volvo, all I saw was a patient understanding.

He was waiting, like he said he would when he came to my window.

And that warmed me from the crown of my head to the tips of my toes.

Jake, however, was not so understanding. Maybe because he was younger, maybe because it was a territorial thing that came with being a werewolf, I don't know.

But his behavior sometimes made me feel colder than Edward's arms ever could.

o-0-o

_"Tis torture, and not mercy. Heaven is here  
Where Juliet lives, and every cat and dog  
And little mouse, every unworthy thing,  
Live here in heaven and may look on her,  
But Romeo may not."_

I was leaned against my locker, reading this excerpt over and over again.

It was very fitting, except it detailed how I felt about him, not the other way around. It just couldn't.

"Was it very difficult for her?"

It was a hushed question a few feet away and I didn't raise my head to look at who was speaking, but I did recognize Alice's voice.

"Yes."

She was speaking with Angela. They probably thought I was too absorbed in what I was looking at to notice anything else around me.

So I decided to eavesdrop.

"She wasn't in school the entire week after you guys were gone. And when she came back, she wasn't Bella."

I remained very still by my locker and I could feel their eyes on me. Perhaps Alice meant for me to hear them talking about how I was. How I sometimes still am.

"But she snapped out of it right? She was okay? After a little while?" Alice sounded so hopeful and I wanted to get in her face and start yelling that no, I wasn't fine. I'm still not fine.

But I remained still.

"Not until a few months ago. She started hanging around that Jacob guy and…I don't know. She wasn't completely Bella again, but she was more awake I guess." Angela spoke softly and sadly and I felt a pang in my chest. Such a sensitive soul, it must have hurt her to see me that way.

"I'm sorry Angela." Alice spoke just as softly and I'd had enough.

I tucked Edward's note inside my binder and shook myself a little, trying to make it look like I'd just come out a daydream, and I turned and walked down the hall.

o-0-o

"I really don't want you seeing them."

I turned my head from the book I was reading to look at Jake.

He was leaning against the wall looking at me with a grimace.

"Well, I go to school with them. It's kind of unavoidable." I tried to sound lighthearted, but Jake's surly mood overpowered it.

He looked down at some of his tools in the red box on the bench and then back up at me.

"You could tell them to leave." He sounded so final about, like he'd already made the choice for me.

It was at times like these when Jacob showed just how immature he was.

I looked back down at my book and shook my head. "I can't do that."

"Why not?" There was reigned in fury in his voice and something told me to tread lightly.

"It's not my place to tell them where they can and cannot live."

"You have him wrapped around your little finger; he'll do whatever you tell him." He picked up a tool and then threw it back down. He was trying to let out some of his contained rage without losing control.

"I'm not going to do that."

"Why not? Everything would be so much easier, so much safer for us."

Us.

He spoke of us like we were already a couple, like everything was set in stone for our future.

I didn't want to be that kind of _us_ with him.

I closed my book and grabbed my backpack and took out my binder. Opening it, the note from Edward fell to the floor of the garage. Between Jake and I. His nose scrunched up and I marveled at how he could smell a vampire from just a piece of paper.

And I could tell by the look on his face that the metaphor that one piece of paper lying between us on the floor was not lost on him.

Edward would always be between us in one way or the other.

Before I had the chance, Jake bent and picked up the paper and read it.

I felt a rush of anger; those words were meant for me and only me. Jake felt like an intruder now.

"You still love him don't you?" It was quietly said, but it held all the anger and wrath I expected for when he finally realized.

And I couldn't deny it.

"Yes."

"He treated you like dirt Bella. He threw you away when he didn't want you anymore."

I winced at those words. Of course, I'd told them over and over again to myself every day, but this was really the first time I'd heard them out loud, and from someone else.

An outside observer.

"I know." My voice was quiet and sad as all of the feelings of inadequacy filled me up.

"You're just going to let him do it again too." He sounded so bitter about it. So was I.

But I was beginning to realize that maybe…just maybe; it wouldn't be like that this time.

It didn't have to be like that.

If I could only get inside Edward's head…or his heart, so I could know…

"You don't have to let him." His voice was suddenly warm and hot in my ear and my head turned suddenly and our noses collided.

He was too close.

I hadn't even noticed, so wrapped up in my thoughts of Edward, that I didn't notice Jacob getting _way_ too close.

"You could stay with me Bella." He whispered against my face.

Too. Close.

"I could keep you safe from him."

I didn't want to be kept from him.

"It would be so easy Bella."

I was really starting to hate those words.

Safe.

Easy.

I was making a lot of realizations lately. I know that I didn't want to look back on my life and say I took the easy way out. I was too safe, too cautious.

And looking at Jake, those were the only possibilities he represented for me.

In his face, I saw my whole life.

And then, without my permission, his hands were on my face and his lips were pushing against mine. My breath was stolen, but not in a good way. The vision of what my life could be like flashed across my closed eye lids as Jake tried to intensify the one sided kiss.

I saw college, marriage, children, and eventually death. Easy and risk free.

And then a scene flashed before my eyes. When Jake had come to dinner a couple of weeks ago. I had done my homework; he and Charlie had watched sports.

I had catered to them. They asked for something, I got it for them.

Easy. That's how it would be. Living the rest of my days in Forks, catering to my father and my husband.

I didn't want it to be easy.

I wanted it to be roses and poetry. I wanted it to be patiently waiting while I got my shit together and then welcome me back with open cold arms that shot warm heat up my body.

I wanted expressive topaz eyes that looked at me like I was the only person who could keep their attention.

I wanted the slightest brush of a fingertip across my cheek that set the rest of my face ablaze.

I wanted a crooked smile directed at me from across a classroom or the lunchroom.

I just stood there, waiting for Jake to let up.

When he finally did, I knew what I had to do.

**Author's Note: **Shorter than the others, but I meant it when I said this was going to be a short story.

Thanks for reading and please leave a review!


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: **To the people who wanted some Edward POV, I tried. Honestly, I tried. But I can't get into a vampire Edward's head the way I can with a human Edward. I don't know why, I don't know where the disconnect is for me, but it just didn't work out. So I apologize, but I have to stick with Bella POV for the rest of this.

Again, you guys are awesome with the reviews!

**Essential**

When he pulled his mouth away from mine, Jake stared at me with a smug, peaceful, hopeful expression.

And it both gladdened me and killed me to wipe it off his face.

"Edward would never steal a kiss like that." I spoke quietly; the annoyance and fury laced every single word.

It was worth it though. His smile dropped in the split second I said Edward's name.

He spluttered for a second or two and in that time I gathered my things intent on leaving.

"You wouldn't be this worked up about it if it didn't mean anything." He was grasping at straws now and I felt another pang in my chest. I did feel guilt. I had unknowingly used him to reaffirm what I already knew.

That there would never be, _could_ never be, anyone else for me but Edward Cullen.

I paused in packing up my backpack and I sighed.

"You're right. It meant the world to me."

I looked up in time to see the smile break onto his face once again and he tried reaching for me, but I easily stepped away, slinging my bag onto my shoulder.

Immature yet again. He had no idea what the world was to me. _Who_ the world was to me.

"Jake do you want to know what I felt when you kissed me?" I arched an eyebrow at him.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets and started coming towards me once again, still smiling like the fool he was.

"I think I know what you felt."

I looked him square in the eye, nothing but serious determination guiding me to make him understand.

"Nothing." I didn't blink or move any part of my body. He wouldn't be able to chalk this up to a lie.

He froze where he was a few feet away from me and his smile faltered.

His face got a sad look on it, the spark in his eyes fading a little bit.

But then he got determined again.

"But you just said…" He trailed off, grasping at straws yet again.

No! Just let me leave.

"I said it meant the world to me. And it did. I know you didn't mean for this to happen, but when you kissed me, it just sealed my decision to be with Edward."

He was slowly shaking his head at me and I searched for more words that could try and make it clearer for him.

I was breaking his fragile, good natured heart, but I saw no other way. I had to try.

Try and make him see just how much I love Edward.

How much I needed to be with him.

How much I ached to make this pain, both physical and emotional, go away.

I know Jake wanted to be the person to do that. But he wasn't.

Only Edward could be that person for me. Ever.

"He's not good for you." He said in a bitter and harsh whisper. "He'll hurt you again."

"I want to find that out for myself. I don't want to cower behind you or Charlie for the rest of my life when something hurts or gets taken away or leaves."

He breathed in deeply and his face twisted in rage at what I was telling him.

"It's essentially impossible for him not to hurt you. And you just set yourself up for it Bella. Every single time."

I turned a glare upon his face, opening my mouth to end this argument he was so intent on beating into the ground, but then something caught my attention.

Something he said.

Something that clicked inside of me.

And then I was having an epiphany.

"Essential…" I whispered into the silence, my forehead creasing in concentration.

Jake just arched a brow at me, probably thinking I was crazy.

"Necessary, basic, sometimes vitally important…" I mused quietly, ignoring his huff of anger.

"I don't need a vocabulary lesson right now Bella." He threw another tool down to the ground, but I paid no attention to his childish tantrum.

All I was focusing on was that one word. Essential.

Edward is essential to my very being.

And then Jake's hands were back on my face, unwelcome, and the look in his eyes was frightening.

And then, again, his lips were on mine, trying to claim what was never his. I stood there, again, waiting for him to get it out.

I did not respond and that made him push even harder.

After a few moments, he took a step back and I looked sadly into his eyes, seeing an underdeveloped love for me there. He was pleading with me to feel the same. To let Edward go. To choose him, to love him, to have that future I envisioned with him.

But I couldn't.

"Every kiss you give me only strengthens my resolve to go to him."

And then I nodded my head once and gently took his hands from my face and stepped back to the door of the garage.

I turned and was about to step out when I heard him whisper my name.

Looking over my shoulder, I saw him tensed and his fists were clenched.

"I won't be there to pick up the pieces next time." He sounded so broken and bitter. I felt it too, but I was heading towards something better.

I gave a small, sad smile. "There won't be a next time."

And then I walked to my truck and got inside, started the engine and left his house.

o-0-o

It was late when I got home and my stomach was all in a jumble from the conversation with Jacob. I hoped that one day we could get past this. That he would move on from me and be happy with someone else. He deserved that.

But I didn't know what to do now about Edward.

I stayed up all night again, tossing and turning, trying to figure out what exactly I would say to him when I saw him the next day at school.

I didn't really want to wait to talk to him though.

Do I call him?

Do I go to his house?

Do I try and send some vision to Alice asking her to send him over here to me?

And then I shot out of bed, remembering he was watching the house almost religiously.

I looked out my window and checked the trees and brush where he usually hid and kept watch…but he wasn't there.

And my heart sank and my stomach clenched. My breathing picked up and I felt weak all over again. Like it was happening all over again. My body started to shake and I felt my lips tremble.

I don't know how long I stayed rooted in place by the window watching the shadows, waiting for him to appear by the tree he seemed to favor every night. But he didn't.

The sun had started rising before I tore my tired eyes away and slowly went to the closet, blindly grabbing some clothes for the day.

I went downstairs and grabbed a glass of water before deciding to head out to school early. I might as well. There was nothing else to do.

Nothing else I could do.

I guess his patience had run out. He got tired of waiting for me to make up my mind.

I trudged to the front door and stepped outside into the unusually warm and light day.

I felt a pang in my chest, realizing I wouldn't see him today. It was too sunny.

I made my way to my truck but lifting my eyes to it I stopped dead in my tracks.

Tapped to my window was a piece of paper. With a red and white rose attached, the stems intertwined.

My heart had started pounding a little stronger and my breathing became heavy.

I was crushed with the relief. I felt it wash over me and through me and it bubbled forth in my chest and I gave a surprised, relieved laugh as I walked to the truck, detaching the note and the roses.

I smelled them before setting them in the bed of the truck and then I mentally prepared for more Shakespeare as I unfolded the paper.

There was no Shakespeare.

No quotes, no poetry, no romance.

There was honesty.

There was pain.

There was immense remorse and suffering.

There was love.

I slumped against the side of my truck as I read over the words Edward had written for me in this note. His feelings. His pain. His longing. His suffering.

As I sank to the ground and my eyes filled up with tears as I read it over and over again, my mouth opening in short little gasps, I recognized everything he had put on to paper.

Everything he wrote was what I felt.

His pain was my pain.

His longing was my longing.

His suffering was my suffering.

If anything his words made me feel worse and better at the same time.

Worse.

Because I had been seeking a twisted form of revenge when he came back. I wanted him to know how I felt all those months he was away.

But he had. He had felt that torment, that agony, that yearning to be with me.

And I foolishly sought revenge, so sure that he hadn't felt one iota of it. And looking at his cursive handwriting, detailing every ounce of it, I realized I had been so, so very wrong.

But I was better too.

Our pain was one and the same. Even though we had been apart, pining for the other, we had shared it. It had connected us when I had thought there was nothing left.

I felt my chest tighten and the tears streaked down my cheeks as I clutched his letter to my body, trying to absorb all of it.

All of him.

**Author's Note: **yikes. I said I wouldn't draw it out, but this story has grown on me. There is only one more chapter left, and I suppose I could have combined the two…but I don't want it to end yet. I like writing in character.

I hope how I tied the title of this story in with Bella's feelings for Edward was…good. I hope what I wanted to say came out right.

Please review everyone. I love them!

And Happy Thanksgiving all you American readers and reviewers!


	5. Chapter 5

I was going to include this down below in the next chapter of Glimpses, but that's just not coming together right now and I want to get my movie thoughts out before it becomes irrelevant…if you haven't seen the movie yet, don't read it. It's mildly spoilerish and some stuff might be ruined.

**Movie Thoughts:** I saw the movie on Saturday (the 22nd) morning with my sisters and first off, I want to say I thought it was good. I didn't expect them to be able to fit _every_ single thing from the book into the screenplay and I was happy with how they did it.

But…I wanted _more_ at the beginning. More build up to Bella and Edward falling in love. It was like it came out of nowhere for me. It just moved along too fast I guess because one minute they're arguing in the hospital and then five minutes later they're in the forest and he's telling her he's a murderer and she says I don't care and then they just say the lion fell in love with the lamb line. I was sitting there and my first thought was "That came out of nowhere." But, because I'm such a ridiculous fangirl, I was squealing on the inside. I just wanted more emphasis on the build up to their love.

A part I loved though is when Bella walked into the biology class for the first time and her hair blew in the fan and Edward put a hand over his mouth like he was going to be sick. I was laughing so hard at that.

Jessica. She was great. When she was telling Bella about the Cullen's at the very beginning, her description of Jasper was priceless. "He's the one that looks like he's in pain." Or along those lines. Perfect.

Carlisle Cullen. I think I prefer Peter Facinelli as a blond because when he walked into the hospital room to examine Bella and he was wearing that white doctor's coat and the blue shirt underneath…my thoughts were simply, "_Hello _Dr. Cullen." And then I growled like a tiger. I have a bit of a doctor fetish when it comes to the Cullen men.

The baseball scene was perfection. I love how Bella acted as the umpire, and I for sure thought when she called Rosalie out she was going to get a beat down. But Emmett and Edward are such cute little boys, both jumping for the ball at the same time and missing. And I wish I was as flexible as Alice, you know with her leg coming_ all_ the way up when she was pitching. Jasper is one lucky vampire.

I loved all of the funny cute little lines Edward said in the movie that didn't appear in the book. For example, when he and Bella arrive at school together for the first time and she says that everyone is looking at them. He points to some random person and says, "He's not looking." And then said random person looks and Edward says, "Oh, nope. He just glanced." Cute stuff there. And he's wearing sunglasses and the crooked smile. Love.

Yes, I did shamelessly watch Rob's ass throughout the movie when it appeared. When he was "sparkling" in the sun I was looking at the sliver of exposed chest. I got very distracted by his hands; especially when he played the piano and the hair…love the hair. The clothes they put him in just seemed to hug his body and for the first time ever I was jealous of cotton.

The kiss. ~sigh~ I loved it. It was exactly what I was hoping for and it made me all the more happy that they didn't just go for it. Edward says, "Just don't move." And he leans in all slow and there's heavy breathing and Bella grabs his hair which I wanted to jump up and do myself. But then I reminded myself it's a movie. And I was very pleased to find that she wasn't in her unders during that part like the trailer led me to believe. Just _very_ tiny shorts.

The fight scene was AWESOME! I thought Kristen Stewart did a great job writhing in pain and screaming after James bit her, and I love the ninja like jump that Emmett, Jasper and Alice do when they enter the scene.

The prom scene was great. I kind of growled whenever Jacob was on screen and not the good growl I gave Carlisle in his doctor's coat. When Edward left to park his car and Bella sat waiting for him and then Jacob appears all dirty looking and long wigged…I died a little inside knowing what's coming up in the sequel. And then he warns her and is all sweet to her and I just sat there in my seat, arms crossed, frowning like a two year old.

And then Edward came back and swept Bella in his arms and all was right with the world. I felt the iciness of Edward's glare to Jacob and I was all the way in the back row.

I felt all warm and tingly when I saw Edward in his tux at the end. And I growled. Again.

And the part where he's sitting with Charlie in the kitchen waiting for Bella and no one is talking was so great.

The ending. I thought what they did with the ending was brilliant. It left it open for the next movie which I now know has been confirmed! But seriously, I think I'm going to be seething in my seat when I have to sit through two whole hours of heartbreak and Jacob Black.

Keep in mind that because it's an adaptation from a book, of course there are things that just couldn't be done. I think they kept the most important scenes and pivotal turning points and for the measly budget they were on, it was fantastic. The main thing I'm focusing on right now is that Twilight is number 1 in the US, which means it's making lots of money, which means a bigger budget for New Moon.

So, all in all, I thought they did an excellent job with it. Not up to par with the book, but then movie adaptations of books never really do measure up. But I'll probably see it again in theaters and I will most definitely be buying it when it comes out on DVD.

* * *

**Author's Note: **_ahem_. Hi. There seems to have been a slight miscommunication. ~cue nervous laughter~ I've never written an apology/love/take me back/I was just as depressed as you were/I'll never leave you again/let me watch you sleep once more letter. I have no intentions of including one either. I'm sorry. I _did_ try though…but it was horrible. Awkward. Not what Edward would have said at all. So…please don't hate me that I didn't include one. Please.

Remember I love you all.

Here's the last chapter…

**Essential**

After I somewhat pulled myself together, I didn't go to school.

I was exhausted from the lack of sleep and exhausted with the levels of guilt I was feeling over this entire mess.

My hand greedily clutched at Edward's letter as I paced the length of my room, looking out the window every five seconds, wishing with all my might for the clouds to gather and open, sending down a torrent of rain so Edward could come back. But it didn't happen.

I walked up and down the stairs, through the kitchen and living room, up and down the halls, wringing my hands, creasing my brow, biting my bottom lip, and spontaneously crying whenever I thought back to Edward's letter.

I should have let him in my room when he came back.

I should have been more forgiving.

I should have been more understanding.

I sure as hell should have been able to read between the lines of what he said all those months ago when he told me goodbye. I should have known better then, I should have known better now.

And then I stopped myself. Dwelling on that crap would get me no where fast.

During the day, while I was trying to get my head together and figure out just what I would say to Edward, I felt everything fall back into place.

Slowly but surely, the ache in my chest began to go away, the tears and tatters of my heart began to weave together again.

I felt almost whole.

Almost.

o-0-o

I was making dinner, really only stirring the food around in the pan while my mind was occupied with Edward, when I heard Charlie come home.

He walked into the kitchen and I felt him just stare at my back.

"I got a call from the school today." He said in a conversational tone and I rolled my eyes.

Honestly Charlie, if you want to punish me, just have at it.

"I…had some…stuff to deal with." I said in a quiet voice, not looking up from the pan.

I heard Charlie sigh and the scraping of a chair as he sat down.

"Is this about Edward?" His voice was rough, and he spat Edward's name like it was a curse, a plague that was inflicted upon our lives.

"Yes." I didn't change the tone of my voice, but I was confident in how I spoke so Charlie would know I was serious.

He sighed again and then his fist slammed against the surface of the table. I didn't flinch or jump.

"I knew it." He was mumbling to himself. "I knew when he came back this would happen."

"That what would happen?"

"You would get confused. That you would lose yourself in him like the last time he was here."

"I'm not confused about anything. Not anymore." I continued stirring even though the food was already cooked.

"I think you are. I think you are so quick to forgive him Bella. You're forgetting or blocking out what he put you through-"

I whirled around then. "I haven't forgotten. I think it will be _impossible_ to forget _that_." My voice was hard and trembling with the anger I felt. "But I can forgive him."

Charlie's mouth set in a thin line. "What about Jacob?"

"What about him?"

"I thought you two had something going on."

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair and across my forehead. "No. You wanted us to have something going on. But all Jake and I have is friendship. He wanted more, he pushed for more, but I can't give something that was never available."

And then there was silence as Charlie and I stood across from each other, just staring at the other, begging the other with our eyes to understand our position on this subject.

And then Charlie's eyes got sad and desperate. "Bella, I never want to see you…the way you were. I can't forgive him for doing that to you. I just can't. Jacob will always be the better choice because he helped put you back together."

I stared at the ground and then back up at Charlie. "Dad…_I _forgive him. _I _do. And that's all that should matter."

o-0-o

Dinner was tense, but I was oddly calm. Charlie and I understood where the other was coming from.

I am his daughter. He never wants to see me unhappy or in pain and to him, that's what Edward represents.

But, on the other hand, I _am_ his daughter. He wants to see me happy and in love, and to me, those are what Edward gives me.

We were understood. We didn't agree, but we were understood.

I excused myself afterwards and went back up to my room and waited and watched as the sun went down. I wrung my hands again and checked the window every five seconds, waiting for him to appear.

Finally, after hours of pacing back and forth, I saw movement in the leaves.

My breath caught in my throat and I watched as his face came into view in the pale moonlight.

My lights were off, but he knew I was awake. My heart was pounding out a fast steady rhythm and he could probably hear the rustle of fabric as I walked back and forth.

I still wasn't sure what to do.

Do I go downstairs and see him outside?

I walked over to the window and just stood and watched him.

His hands were shoved into the pockets of his jacket and he was leaned up against his favorite tree, watching me watching him.

I slowly lifted my hand to the lock on my window and I saw Edward shift suddenly with the movement of my hand.

I unlocked the window and I saw him take a small step forward.

I lifted the glass and turned away, walking quickly to the other side of the room.

Turning when I reached the foot of my bed, I saw him standing there. His eyes, a deep, rich topaz color, seemed to glow in the shadows of my room and his face was serious, desperate and beautiful.

He was breathing slowly and evenly and his hands looked tight against his sides.

I took a deep breath. "We have to talk."

He nodded and I backed up until my knees hit the edge of my bed and I sat down. I gestured to my desk chair that was across from me and he walked swiftly over to it and sat.

My eyes wandered over him, sitting up straight in my chair, hands resting on his thighs, his eyes intensely fixed on my face.

"Where were you last night?" Easy place to start.

"I had to hunt. I…well, I've been neglecting it lately and Emmett and Jasper were getting restless."

I nodded my head. "Oh."

And there was silence again. Every few seconds, Edward would take a deep breath and his eyes would close, a peaceful look crossing his features.

"Why are you doing that?" I asked quietly.

His eyes were still closed and a smile flitted across his face. I felt tingles erupt in my stomach.

"I'm just smelling you again. It's overwhelming; being surrounded by you from all corners."

"Edward…"

"Just exactly as I remember…" He sighed in one long breath.

"Edward…" His eyes opened again to meet mine and for the first moment since he'd entered my room, I let my defenses down.

I felt my face contort to one of pain and I felt my eyes fill up with it. He shifted again, like he was going to stand from the chair and race over to me and take me in his arms but he stayed still and I was grateful. If he touched me, I wouldn't be able to say what I needed to say.

"I'm sorry." I whispered it and I let my face fall forward.

I heard his quick intake of breath and then he was kneeling before me on the wooden floor. I could see his hands twitching like he wanted to touch me but at the same time not wanting to scare me.

"I am so sorry." I whispered over and over again and finally his hands were cupping my cheeks, lifting my face to look at his.

His eyes were hard and his mouth was tense.

"No, Bella no, you have no reason, nothing in this entire world to be sorry for. It is my entire fault, not yours." He whispered fervently.

"I should have known." I whispered bitterly, shaking my head. "I should have been more confident in your feelings for me, confident in my feelings for you. It could have spared us worlds of pain."

He just sat there, kneeled before me, whispering "I'm sorry" over and over again.

I lifted my hand to his cheek and his eyes fluttered closed as my fingers brushed against the cool skin.

"Why did you do it?" I whispered, my voice cracking towards the end.

"I wanted to protect you." He sounded so broken and desperate, wanting me to understand. "I felt it was the best option for you, to keep you safe from me and my world."

I scoffed and drew my hand away from his face. "I don't want 'safe' if you're not with me." I frowned like a child while Edward just shook his head, his hands remaining on my cheeks.

"Skewed logic, Bella, skewed logic."

I rolled my eyes and relaxed some. "That's really beside the point. Edward, you…" I trailed off, not knowing how to continue.

"Go on." He whispered desperately, his eyes hungry for any gateway into my mind.

My eyes locked with his. "You took away my choice. You didn't talk to me, let me in. We were in a relationship, and you didn't trust me to at least listen to your side of the matter. You took it completely into your hands and acted without me. And it was wrong for both of us."

He nodded his head, swallowing deeply. "I know. But you have to understand that at the time I truly believed it was in your best interest that I leave and let you move on. I had no idea that you would…the type of hurt…the pain…" He shook his head and lifted one of my hands to his face and kissed my palm.

"How did you know?"

"After observing you in class and listening to the conversation you had with Alice," he sent me an apologetic look while I glared at him, "I went to the police station."

And then it hit me.

"Did you…_sift_ through his memories?" I was incredulous and just a little bit angry.

"No. It didn't take a lot for him to think about it, about you during those months. Someone asked about you and he just let the memories come."

He looked sad and shamed and I knew he was picturing me, through Charlie's fuzzy memory. I brushed my fingers across his cheek and he looked at me.

"Did you move on? The way I saw it through Charlie's head made it definitely seem like you had." His eyes were guarded, but I saw hope shining through.

"No. Charlie wished I would with Jake…but I couldn't."

He smiled then and I inwardly rejoiced. He leaned forward a little bit then, but I backed my head away and gave him a warning stare.

"Never…do _anything_ like that to me…_ever _again." I sounded so despondent, but he had to understand that I couldn't go through that again.

He looked me solemnly in the eye. "I will never leave you again. I can't. I'm not strong enough."

And again, I was reminded of how similarly we had suffered.

I leaned my forehead against. "Talk with me. Reason with me." I grabbed his face with both hands. "Never take yourself away from me again."

He just nodded and the traced a finger over my lips and we leaned in at the same time.

When our lips touched, hot on cold, I shivered and then finally, I felt whole.

o-0-o

We lay in my bed a few hours later. Edward kept telling me to sleep, but I was too keyed up. His arms were around me and His head lay over my heartbeat and I had missed this far too much then I wanted him to know.

He told me about what he had been doing while he had been away and I ran my fingers through his hair and told him about Jake.

He had growled lowly and possessively when I told him about the two stolen kisses, but I just lightly smacked him on the arm and told him he had nothing to worry about.

I asked him how he had been able to remain patient and waiting, when he had never really been so patient before.

He paused and tensed at that and then in a rush he spoke quietly. "Alice saw two scenarios actually. I saw both, naturally, and…please don't misunderstand. I was terrified at the prospect of losing you to…a werewolf…but…I felt confident, so I was able to keep my distance."

I was taken aback by his words and I wanted to know more. I ran my hands through his hair slowly and his shoulders began to relax some.

"What did she see?"

He sighed. "You. With Jacob Black. Surrounded by numerous children, family and friends. It was a very idyllic sort of life; picturesque and quaint."

"What was the other scenario?"

He sighed happily then and I felt him smile against the skin of my throat. "This. Us. As we are right now, in this moment. As it should be."

"Why were you so confident then? I could have easily chosen Jacob and lived that content life."

He growled softly again, it coming out more like a satisfied purr and it made me all tingly and warm.

He lifted his head and looked me square in the eye.

"I may not be able to read your mind, but your face is like an open book. Even in Alice's visions. In the future with Jacob, you weren't happy. You looked content and resigned. No woman in love should look just content."

He lowered his nose to my jaw line and swiped it across my skin, breathing in deeply.

"But in the vision of us, of right now," he leaned his forehead against mine and cupped my face, "you looked full to bursting with love and happiness. Which is exactly what I wanted for you. And silly me, I tried to take it away from us."

I just lay there, letting all of it sink in.

Letting all of him sink in.

And then my arms opened wide and he gently fell into them and with one last kiss, his head went back to laying over my heartbeat and I fell asleep.

**Author's Note: **The end. Or, the end until Eclipse. This is truly how I would have wished for New Moon to end. Get Jacob out of the way early on and for Bella to grow some backbone.

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you for reading it! Please leave some reviews, you have no idea how much I love them.

And I hope you enjoyed my take on the movie!


	6. A Prologue from Edward

**Author's Note: **I wrote this because janispsnipes put the idea in my head. She reviewed wanting a prologue that told how Edward got back because Bella didn't go and save him. I can't remember if others asked about this too so if you did wonder, this is for you too.

Please keep in mind… I totally free styled this.

A big thank you goes to Nan McCullen for reading this over and boosting my confidence enough to actually post it.

And to americnxidiot, for answering my inane questions about clicking and tapping and what heartbeats sound like.

Song suggestion: Stains of saints by The Weather Machines

* * *

**Essential – A Prologue of Sorts – Edward's point of view**

_Thump, thump._

_Click, click, click._

_Thump, thump._

_Click, click, click._

My eyes had been focused on her window for hours now. Ever since the sun had gone down. I'd been trying to work myself up to it, telling myself for once in my miserable life to not be a coward, man up, go climb a tree and prostrate myself to the woman I love. I'd sated my thirst in preparation to being blasted with her scent, but now it seemed it was all for naught.

After staying away for as long as I had, I'd just had enough, or finally come to my senses as Emmett and Alice would call it. Months of badgering from them, a quiet, sorrowful understanding from Esme and Carlisle, worry and apologies from Jasper and absolute indifference from Rosalie, I just couldn't take it anymore. Ever since I'd left her, everything had been gnawing slowly at me. We weren't in her life anymore, but that didn't stop them from thinking of her or speaking of her in hushed whispers, making me crazy with memories of her.

Of course Alice had seen my decision the second after it'd been made. I didn't even care for the little belongings I'd taken with me; I just took off running for Forks. One quick phone call had let me know they weren't too far behind me.

For the past few hours, I've remained in the trees, engulfed by the shadows, just watching and listening. And for the past few hours, I've questioned if I can really do this. Because surely this would only hurt her more.

"_She hasn't moved on Edward." _I scoffed, remembering Alice's words for the umpteenth time.

She couldn't be right about everything.

_Thump, thump._

I smiled, Bella's heartbeat never ceasing to amaze me. I closed my eyes and let it take me over. The clicking of the computer keys stopped, and for a moment she was all I could hear.

The shuffling of her feet on wooden beams, the soft sound of tucking her hair behind her ear, a sigh passing through her lips, her heartbeat steady, reliable… I took a step out of the tree line toward the side of the house, a moment of false bravado propelling me into action.

And then a flash of her face from last September, the immediate confusion painting her face that day in the forest, quickly followed by desperation.

I stepped back into the trees, shaken. I'm such a despicable coward. Who was I kidding? She'd probably moved on like I'd intended. What was I doing here?

_Click, click._

_Thump, thump._

Punishment. To be this close to her and not be able to touch her, to see her. I deserved to be taunted by this desire for her.

_Click, click._

I could almost see Bella as she sat at her desk, typing away at that old clunker of a computer. Probably an email to her mother or some English assignment that she could crank out within an hour.

Whatever her pause had been for, she seemed to have gotten her rhythm back, and so for a second or two, I switched my attention to Charlie downstairs in the living room.

Charlie's _glugging _heartbeat joined Bella's once my attention was placed firmly on him. There was a dull scraping of aluminum on a wooden surface followed closely by Charlie gulping down the last few swallows of lukewarm beer. He hiccupped then sighed mentally and crushed the can in his hand, flipping through the channels, shifting on that old recliner of his, the thoughts running through his head getting a bit fragmented.

He scratched his forehead and snickered at the reality TV show that he'd paused on.

"_Thank god Bella has enough smarts to never be on one of these shows…" _He watched for a few seconds longer, his mind getting fuzzier and taking on a tone of contentmentand then he moved on, searching for the elusive sports program.

He yawned widely and settled on infomercials before I went back upstairs to Bella. She'd turned on her stereo to a soft volume, a CD I didn't recognize.

_Thump, thump._

The typing had stopped though her computer was still whirring away. I heard the sound of a zipper then a heartbeat later, a thud. Her backpack hitting the floor. The creak of the floorboards as she walked across her room. Shuffling on top of a dresser. The bristles of her brush running through her hair.

_Thump, thump._

"Time's all been figured out and you've left absolved of doubts…"

Her voice paired with her heartbeat flowed over me like a balm. Both painful and amazing in all their beauty. I hardly registered the scratchiness of the sound, indicating lack of use or the downtrodden tone of her voice as she whispered/sung the lyric because I was already halfway up to her window before she'd even taken a breath. All I knew was that I needed to see her, to look at her one last time before I crawled back in the hole I'd dug for myself.

One look and I'd leave.

I took quick, deep breaths before looking in at her through the glass.

My chest constricted.

Any hunger for her blood I felt at being in a closer proximity to her was quickly washed away as my eyes feasted on the sight of her.

Grey sleep pants and a light purple, long sleeved shirt hung off her body, her hair tumbled down her shoulders… longer than the last time I'd seen her. She was still saying the words to the song playing, a tiny lilt in her voice giving them some melodic feel. She finished brushing her hair, turned and kicked the shoes on her floor into the closet before shutting the door.

The window began fogging slightly and I only then realized how close I was getting to the glass.

Her back was still turned slightly away from the window; I watched her obsessively as she switched off her computer.

I smiled watching her head bob somewhat off beat to the ending of the song before she turned the stereo off.

I was wrong. One look at her and I knew I could never leave her or wherever she was again. If I was right, and she didn't want me anymore, it would satisfy me to just be near her in the same location. If anything, it would be the just thing.

I'd made up my mind. I had to at least try. Try for my life.

Gently, so as not to startle her, I tapped on the glass… A pair of dull brown eyes clashed with mine… and time seemed to stop for that split second right before disbelief and horror sped it back up again.

o-0-o

Jasper and Esme were speaking quietly on the porch when I arrived at the house. A bright smile lit Esme's face, knowing where I'd been and whom I'd been to see. Her thoughts spoke her questions before she even opened her mouth, but once she had, Jasper stopped her with a hand on her arm, his eyes sympathetic as he felt the emotions rolling off me.

The rejection. The loss Bella's words made me feel which I knew I deserved thousandfold. The light in Esme's eyes dimmed somewhat, but remained, her thoughts now happy I'd actually returned instead of leaving after my first failed attempt.

They let me go into the house and I headed for the second place I'd ever felt home.

The piano was exactly where I'd left it. The black glossy surface had a coating of dust, but I just ignored it. I left the white sheet over the bench and sat down, my shoulders hunched.

The keys were cold and forgotten, but they yielded under my fingers like they'd been waiting for me to come back. My fingers played a scale, the notes reverberating off the walls helping to drown out the swift movements of my family.

I wish I could say the same for their thoughts.

_Damn piano. It figures that's the second place he'd go…_ Rosalie slammed the lid of her trunk, punctuating her irritated thoughts. She continued slamming drawers and the closet door as she unpacked hers and Emmett's clothing. Emmett was lounging on their mattress, a pile of sheets and duvet on the floor next to him. His thoughts were on his wife, watching her graceful movements as she went around their room, the way her curls glinted in the sun peaking through their window.

_Edward? _Alice was in my room, already having settled back into her old one. My focus switched to her. She was standing in the middle of my old room, boxes surrounding her. _Where would you like me start? _I felt a pang at the soft timidity of her thoughts. All she wanted was to help. Even when I'd acted like the most selfish creature on the planet and took her away from her home, she still wanted to help me.

_Edward? _She asked me quietly again, turning slowly in my room, allowing me a good look at everything.

I continued playing, not caring one lick about my room.

Alice sighed and exited my room, walking quickly down the stairs. Reaching the first floor, she came and sat next to me on the bench, watching.

Suddenly, my mind was flooded with image after image.

Bella, standing in a cap and gown, next to Charlie and a woman with an incredible likeness to her, all three smiling for the camera, the flash illuminating the same pair of lifeless brown eyes I'd witnessed tonight.

An older Bella, writing her name on the blackboard of a familiar classroom, the windows next to her desk depicting the rainy weather of Forks, Washington; the sparkle of a lone diamond solitaire on her ring finger.

Bella, her belly rounded to the point I feared she might burst. Her eyes were both sad and joyful as she rubbed a hand lovingly on her stomach; a solid gold band now accompanied the engagement ring.

The visions started coming faster now… She and Charlie sitting on the porch in the backyard of a house, watching her children play on a swing set… sending those children off to school… family dinners, pets, teaching, taking care of Charlie in his old age, watching her children graduate high school and leave home…

And then just as abruptly as it began, it stopped.

We were quiet, and I let it all sink in.

"She deserves all of that. A full life," I told Alice quietly.

"Yes she does."

And then Alice showed me one last image… and I would have given anything for this vision to come to life.

I was with Bella, in her room. She was looking up at me, her face alight with happiness and love. Her smile was wide and her eyes were full of the same brightness I'd been used to last year…

Her arms opened for me and I willingly sank into them…

The vision ended there and I could still almost feel Bella's arms around me.

"A full life." Alice flashed a smile at me then hit a few high keys before skipping out of the room.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Thank you for reading. Please leave a review.


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